One week ago today I went into an appointment terrified, even with a nice Psychiatrist it felt all to real and scary. I made the appointment to triple check the medications I’m on for Fibromyalgia as they alter brain chemistry. I also wanted to query ADHD as I am still constantly struggling to “adult” and am rather similar to my baby girl distraction wise. Ironically my anxiety surrounding a psychiatrist and him seeing just how weird I was ended up with me totally failing to effectively use my social masking strategies.
End result is at the age of 38 I have been FINALLY diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type (not entirely a surprise) AND Autism (level to be confirmed but suspect 1 – though function is very much a relative and problematic term).
While the ASD diagnosis isn’t a surprise given my kids and quirkiness it did come as a shock to me as I had reconciled myself to an earlier assessment which left the poor Psychologist concluding “you’re a complex case, definitely not neurotypical but there is no clear cut answers as multiple factors could be causing any of the issues being faced”. Yet here, without asking or prompting, it was evidently there – no masking and its clear as day. Apparently my response of “ok that’s interesting but can you prove it, like can we scan my brain or something” rather sealed the deal as it was a totally ASD response.
So there you go, for 38 years I have been fighting against my nature to fit in and do the right things only to come against obstacle after obstacle. If it wasn’t for my kids I would probably never worked it out, so I am grateful for them. I fully understand that depending on how or when you knew me you may find this all BS. I get it, I can pull myself together and in the right environment for a short time its all ok. However only those closest to me get to see the other side, no one likes to feel vulnerable after all.
To all those who knowingly or unknowingly have been my helper people through life thank you. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how I’ve found people along the way to model what is expected of me or to help me navigate social settings. I have been very luck along the way and am extremely lucky to have Justin as a partner. He understands and accepts me as is and that is a rare thing to be treasured.
I have no idea what the outcome of this new knowledge will be but I am at peace with it and excited to be working with my nature not against it (and consequently not beating myself up over it too).